RAPTORS AND WARRIORS IN “DRAKE JERSEY BAN” BIDDING WAR
5AM IN TORONTO, ON – It is known the world over that pop-rap artist Aubrey Graham, also known as Drake, is the number one jinx when it comes to his favorite sports teams. Whether it be the Alabama Crimson Tide, Kentucky Wildcats, Toronto Maple Leafs, Serena Williams or even UFC’s Connor McGregor, Drake has found a way to curse all of his favorite athletes to stunning and embarrassing failure.
The Ontario native has openly been a Toronto Raptors super fan which has led the lone Canadian basketball franchise to an astonishing zero (0) championships in their 24 seasons in the NBA, which is the 2nd longest drought in league history. But the Raptors hope all of that ends this year when they take on the Golden State Warriors in the 2019 NBA Finals.
Reports are in that the Raptors have offered upward of $10M to the charity of Drake’s choosing for him to not wear their colors during this years finals to increase their chances of slaying the beasts of Golden State. But once Warriors front office officials got word of the bribe they decided to up the ante, sending Drake’s camp a $20M offer for him to not only boycott Warriors colors from his wardrobe, but to also wear nothing but Raptors garb until the final buzzer of the series sounds.
“The offer includes an Oracle Arena ban, a Warriors apparel ban, a 24/7 Raptors apparel commitment, and a laser tattoo removal for his ridiculous and frankly, curious tributes to two of our top players” Warriors General Manger Bob Myers told us regarding the details of the Drake contract. Also sharing his thoughts with us on the Drake Jersey Ban was Warriors superstar Steph Curry saying “Yeah it’s weird man, I mean I’m flattered and all and the number oh his arm is pretty cool I guess. I also know I’m ‘gifted’ but what’s with the halo bro? I feel like he’s calling me his little guardian angel and I’m not about all that”. Warriors Head Coach Steve Kerr also seemed confused when confronted about the situation saying “Oh,The Old Town Road guy? Sorry I’m not a fan. Although Billy Ray Cyrus is nice”.
Toronto’s newest star and soon to be latest victim of the Warriors dynasty Kawhi Leonard said “Sorry Aubrey, but you gotta do it for The Six on this one and keep your ass in Cali”. He also added that it wasn’t in “God’s Plan” for Drake to attend any of the finals games scheduled to be played in Toronto. Luckily we were able to catch up with Drake’s childhood hero Soulja Boy, who was equipped with his famous Gucci headband but all he could repeat was “Draaaaaakee!?!?” in a high pitched squeal throughout the interview.
Raptors fans have been seen protesting the Degrassi star at Scotiabank Arena with signs that say “We Want Biebs” and “Bieber > Drake”. Drake is devastated to say the least. We caught the Marvin’s Room rapper in none other than.. well.. Marvin’s Room to see which offer he was gravitating towards and he lashed out irrationally crying out “They keep asking me to do the right thing and be nice to the city of Toronto. Be nice? Nice For What? I’ve been showing my support Nonstop and all I get is this Fake Love? I’m Upset. Now It’s time to be on my Worst Behavior. And as for Golden State. You won’t be able to Thank Me Later because I was the Best You Ever Had. It’s Over”.
I guess only time will tell which team Drake decides to keep In His Feelings and out of court-side view for this years NBA Finals.
By Ron Gaita