Archive for the ‘article’ Category

Halloween Costumes of Pro Athletes Revealed!

Thursday, October 31st, 2013

Pumpkin Halloween Costumes of Pro Athletes Revealed!

By DX Traeger (@PolemicLicense)

Each year on October 31, people all over North America dress up in costume for “Halloween,” a holiday that celebrates ghosts, goblins, and popcorn balls (although not necessarily in that order).

Children aren’t the only ones to get in on the costume act: recently, Benstonium’s own cub reporter reviews what the stars of the MLB, NFL, MLB and NHL dressed up as:

Lebron James, NBA superstar: “I’m getting a lot Twitter suggestions from Clevelanders to go as ‘Benedict Arnold.’ I appreciate the suggestions, but I’m not going out dressed like a Nickelodeon show.” (more…)

Penguins vs. Flyers, “The New Cold War”

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

1975 Syndrome Penguins vs. Flyers – The New Cold War

By DX Traeger (@PolemicLicense)

Who would you root for: the Flyers, or the Russians?

Of course I, like every hockey fan outside of Philadelphia, hate the Flyers. When I attended the 2011 Winter Classic between the Penguins and the Capitals, our rival fanbases could agree on nothing…until someone started a “F-THE-FLYERS!” chant, and all 68,111 fans joined in unison. (more…)

“1975 Syndrome” — Flyers’ Disease WARNING

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

1975 Syndrome CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

By DX Traeger (@PolemicLicense)

ATLANTA – On Wednesday, officials at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta issued a warning about a new and dangerous ailment.

“In addition to the standard flu and norovirus outbreaks that hospitals and physicians typically deal with, a disease known as PH1975 has been rapidly spreading throughout the greater Philadelphia area,” said Dr. D. Kasparaitis. (more…)

Face of the NHL: Crosby/Ovechkin

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Sid or Ovi The Face of the NHL: Crosby or Ovechkin

Ever since their rookie seasons, NHL superstars Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin have waged a fierce and often-times personal battle to be number one.  Despite their mutual successes, when the league brass at the NHL offices in Toronto sat down to choose a player to serve as the face of the NHL, their decision was simple: Alexander Ovechkin scores goals, but Sidney Crosby scores goals and doesn’t look like a mutant.

These two bitter rivals will once again face-off in Pittsburgh, less than 48-hours after the Penguins captain took a puck to the face. Throughout his career, Crosby has overcome head-rattling concussions and teeth-shattering collisions, so Pens coach Dan Bylsma is confident that his star will once again bounce back. (more…)

How To Replace Ray Lewis

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Ray Lewis How do the Baltimore Ravens replace Ray Lewis?

By DX Traeger (@PolemicLicense)

When Ray Lewis finished his NFL career at the Super Bowl, he left the only franchise he ever knew with gaping wounds at the linebacker and leadership positions. Still, if you believe Baltimore GM Ozzie Newsome, the answer to finding the “next” Ray Lewis is simpler than one might expect.

“In the past, we’ve had success in the draft by relying on the advice of our talent evaluators,” Newsome explained on Tuesday, “but it’s not every day that your team is trying to replace one of the NFL’s all-time great defenders and frauds.”
(more…)

“Another 60 Minutes” | Steelers Movie Poster

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

Another 60 MinutesBenstonium has just released its latest movie poster parody. This week it’s the Eddie Murphy / Nick Nolte classic “Another 48 Hours”. Here’s hoping that the Steelers will have a healthy roster against the Eagles this Sunday.

You can see more great Pittsburgh sports movie posters on our Facebook page!

Forget The Refs. Meet The Replacement Goodells

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

Rooster GoodellWith the REAL Refs coming back to the NFL, we think it’s time that the Commissioner gets a Replacement.  But who can fill the shoes of the league’s most depised human-pumpkin Roger Goodell?  Here are a few possible Replacement Goodells. 

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Editorial: Buccos Promotions / Wins. A Tough Call.

Saturday, August 11th, 2012

Styx An Open Letter To Pirates Ownership

To Whom It May Concern:
As true fans of your beloved organization, we are concerned that with the team’s recent success, there is also the potential for a catastrophic downturn in gameday promotions. With playoff hopes high for the first time in two decades, and on-the-field performance attracting large crowds, the need for post-game concerts, bicentennial-grade firework shows, and running pierogies will decrease significantly. (more…)

Shero’s Landmark Decision: Crosby Stays

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

Crosby In a landmark decision today, Sidney Crosby’s tenure in Pittsburgh was upheld by Ray Shero with a 12-year, $104.4 million contract. With only one more year remaining on his contract, fear was mounting that #87′s time with the Pens would be repealed. (more…)

Quoth Benstonium: Tyler Tubbs

Monday, April 16th, 2012

Benstonium was asked by the Tribune-Review for a quote regarding “Tornado Boy” Tyler Tubbs.  This is what we sent them…

 

“When I first came across Tyler, I immediately recognized the viral potential of his tornado video. Growing up in Hempfield Township myself, and having years of experience producing viral videos, I knew that the world of viral videos is as unpredictable as a tornado in Hempfield Township. One minute this iPod-weilding storm-chaser was face-to-face with imminent peril, or at least a damaged iPod and a bad hair day, and the next minute he is being swept away to the wonderful world of internet super-stardom. (more…)