CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
By DX Traeger (@PolemicLicense)
ATLANTA – On Wednesday, officials at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta issued a warning about a new and dangerous ailment.
“In addition to the standard flu and norovirus outbreaks that hospitals and physicians typically deal with, a disease known as PH1975 has been rapidly spreading throughout the greater Philadelphia area,” said Dr. D. Kasparaitis.
Patients suffering from PH1975 have a rapid onset of symptoms ranging from manic hysteria to complicated hallucinatory fantasies.
“In early stages, the infected’s appearance takes on an ugly, puke-orange complexion,” Dr. Kasparaitis explained. “Sufferers then lose all sense of time, and have extreme difficulty in differentiating between last season and 37 years ago.”
Dr. Kasparaitis noted that delusions are not uncommon. “In several documented cases, patients made embarrassing public remarks under the influence of PH1975,” he said.
Dr. K. Stevens, another spokesman for the CDC, added that PH1975 made “…these people are sick enough to actually believe that [Mike] Richards and [expletive] Giroux were better hockey players than Sidney Crosby.”
In extreme cases of PH1975, Dr. Stevens noted that patients will sometimes believe that “Rocky Balboa” is a real person.
The CDC warns that those infected will sometimes exhibit grandiose delusions; or, “illusions of grandeur.” These sad delusions generally range from “This is the year!” to “We finally have a real goalie!”
PH1975 is contagious, and spreads via exposure to other infected people. Officials specifically cited the Wells Fargo Center as a “teeming cesspool” for this mental illness.
At present, the only known cure for PH1975 is heavy, heavy, heavy doses of reality.
“If left untreated,” Dr. Kasparaitis warned, “PH1975 is forever.”